Archive for July, 2010

Short List for Worst List Ever

Thursday, July 1st, 2010

I’m way behind on my Entertainment weekly’s.  All I’m seeing are covers and I’ve been too busy to open them up.  Iron Man 2. Katherine Heigl.   Sex and the City 2.  Then, I saw a cover with a bunch of characters on it.  Homer Simpson, Harry Potter, John Locke, Rachel from Friends, Ron Burgundy…and then Miranda something or something from The Devil Wears Prada…I started to think the list might be in trouble.

It was.

“The 100 Greatest Characters of the Last 20 Years!”  That’s a title with confidence.  They just come out and say these are the best characters of the last 20 years.  EW is not saying, “Maybe these are the best and maybe we really blew it, maybe we’ll be totally devalued in the industry and the world after this list.”   They just said, “This is the list.  Come and get it.”  Well, let’s just come and get it then.  And they have the audacity to underline The and put an exclamation mark at the end of the sentence, like I’m supposed to respect this list and get excited.

I’m going to name the characters that show this list to be an embarrasment, either because of their order or simply their presence.

#3 Buffy the Vampire Slayer – what in the world?  I know the show was clever and well written, more so than you would assume, but they’ve got Buffy at 3 on the left page and on the right page, Tony Soprano at #4.  Now that takes something indescribable to look at those two pages next to each other and think you made the right decision.

#7 Edward Scissorhands – Don’t tell me you like this movie or this character as much as number 7.  It’s not possible.  We’re talking about 20 years of books, TV, movies and plays.

#12 Mulder and Scully – I’ve got no problems with them being on the list or being this high on the list, what I don’t get is why they’re on the list TOGETHER.  Just above them is Kramer and one page over is Carrie from Sex in the City. Later on in the list Woody from “Toy Story” is on his own.  No rhyme or reason with these idiots who made the list.  So stupid.

#16 Bridget Jones – Did these people forget that she made one movie and one terrible sequel.  I know there was a book as well, maybe that’s what they’re thinking, but how about a little clarification (Even if they were including the impact of the book, #16 is high).

#25 Woody – Maybe they didn’t include Buzz because they’d have to move these guys into the top ten and they wanted to make sure Scissorhands stayed up there so they could raise their artsy flag.

#29 Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield – These guys and their movie “Pulp Fiction” defined cool.  “Oh, Trevor, don’t forget about those guys from “Pulp Fiction”.”  Trevor: “Oh yeah.  Kobi, Google. those guys from Pulp Fiction, we’ve got to put them on here for everyone that’s in their 30’s or they’ll be pissed…OMG.”

#30 Steven Colbert – Why the hell is this guy a character?  He’s not a character.  He is a person.  An ironic personality or something, but not a character.  If he’s a character we’re all characters some time.  You think Paula Zahn acts like she does on TV at home.  I hope not.  Anyway, if this dude is a character, by their definition, Marilyn Manson doesn’t count as a character because he wears makeup EVERY DAY?  Lady Gaga isn’t a character?!  How about Madonna guys? Man they’re awful.

#33 Sarah Conner – If anyone from these movies makes this list it’s Schwarzenagger.  Give me a break.

#34 Cher from Clueless – Weak sauce.

#42 Sydney Bristow – from Alias is two spots ahead of Jack Bauer.  Evidently there are no editors working at EW anymore.  Budget cuts, you know the economy and everything.  So now, they just throw whatever they can at the page and hope we eat it up based on the headline.

#45 Stewie Griffin – Could have easily been ranked higher.  If you take a pulse of people today, right or wrong, they are all about The Family Guy and Stewie, sometimes at the expense of the The Simpsons even.

#49 Vivian Ward – You may not know her as anything other than “Pretty Woman”, but this Julia Roberts character is not #49 on the list.  She is much much higher (lower number), she has to be.

#55 Tracy Jordan – From 30 Rock.  This is the first entry that made me really question whether or not the list was even legitimate.  There is nothing aside from advertising dollars or somebody’s agent greasing the wheels that would have Tracy Jordan ahead of Alec Baldwin from the same cast or Tina Fey.  They didn’t even make the list.  This is INSANE!!!  Tracy Jordan is hilarious, but he’s just a side character, the goofball device they use to keep certain plotlines rolling and to throw in jokes.

#62 Jimmy Corrigan – Some dude from a graphic novel nomebody read.  Of the last 20 years, this is a big stretch.  They’ve got a lady from a play on here as well.  Nobody saw that, so they could have had a side window where they included the best characters of the last 20 years that nobody really cares about.  I’m all for putting some underappreciated characters out there for us to learn about, but this list is so jacked, I don’t want to hear their garb about who they think I need to see.

#63 John Locke – Sure, this makes sense.  One character from one of the greatest ensembles of all time (my favorite show ever) should be on his own on the list.  Oh, and  at number 63 instead of somewhere in the top fifteen (at the very least).  He’s two spots ahead of  THE GILMORE GIRLS!!! which is nice.

#67 Borat – 84% of America was speaking with a Borat accent for two full months around his movie and he’s been around for longer than that with the Ali G show, this is low for that kind of impact.

#70 Mary Katherine Gallagher – All right, this is for sure not the best SNL character of the last twenty years, but at least they’re thinking out of the box a little bit here.

#71 – Detective Alonzo Harris – This is the character Denzel Washington played in Training Day.  Totally undeserved Oscar and even though it was a cool character we’re talking about the last TWENTY years.

#75 – David Brent – We’re not very smart in America.  I’m going to see Ricky Gervais on September 30th at the Chicago Theatre.  He’s a genius.  Sure he’s not as good or influential as Annie Wilkes (#52) or Pearl the Landlord (#50) or Kavalier & Clay (#26).  Just forget about his groundbreaking television show The Office which won him two Golden Globes and worldwide recognition, spawning a second highly successful series (Extras), a string of movies and television appearances, a dominating standup tour, the world’s number one podcast and he was allowed to write an episode of The Simpsons.  Pretty good resume, and where did it all start?  #75.

#78 Patty Hewes – Glen Close from Damages.  Cool, I love putting someone on the list who nobody’s ever seen.  It’s fun that way.

#80 Gorillaz – Clearly, clearly the GREATEST musical act of the last twenty years.  Because they’re CARTOONS, too.  Wait, what?  You don’t get it.  Hm.

#82 Tracy Flick – This is Reese Witherspoon from Election.  What the what? Why in the world would she make the list?  I would have been all for the cast of American Pie, but Tracy Flick means these list guys are trying waaaaaaay too hard to impress somebody.  Who’s that somebody?  Themselves.

#87 Tony Stark – Iron Man, sweet.  This movie was great, surprisingly great, which was awesome.  But this character wasn’t written in the last twenty years.  Where do they draw the line?

#91 Hancock – This is when I knew that there was something going on in this list that wasn’t on the up and up.  There is no way this crap character from this downright awful crap movie made this list without a little Hollywood pushing.  Money pushing. Totally de-legitimized.

#93 Game Boys – They threw three videogame characters together into one slot (the ninety-third) despite the popularity and…whatever.  This is stupid, we all know it.  And I don’t play the videogames, I’m just trying to keep things fair.

#97 Violet Weston – Character from the stage drama August: Osage County.  Probably amazing.  We’re really lucky the person that went to this play also happened to be writing this list.

Worst List Ever. Ever…So far.